Ainsley Rodriguezのインスタグラム(ainsley) - 5月17日 10時27分

Part ✌?:
It's difficult to pinpoint exactly when my eating disorder began but I know it stems back to when I was merely 12 or 13 and began to obsess over the way I looked. Maybe it was the stress of my parents divorce that was the culprit. Maybe it was some deeper rooted emptiness I felt needed to be filled. I'm convinced it was the dire need to be 'perfect' that triggered it. Nothing in my life seemed right. I wasn't aware of how thin I had gotten and when people would point it out I would just roll my eyes and call them 'haters'. I was in denial. I wasn't ready to seek help because I didn't think I had a problem. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't perfect enough. I was looking to fill this empty space inside of me and assumed when I just got thin enough, things would change for the better. I assumed if I looked a certain way it would resolve all those feelings and I would feel 'pretty' again. I was wrong.
I definitely have control issues (this hasn't changed when it comes to my business lol) but I think I felt in control when I would restrict my eating. Ironically it's what spiraled my life OUT of control. I lived on the scale and while it was my sanctuary it was also my biggest tormentor. It took me ages to find old pics because 2 years ago I took down all old pictures of myself, terrified that people would see them and think I wasn't perfect. Like I said, this journey was 4 years of ups and downs. Even 2 years ago when I looked better and had gained weight I was STILL seeking validation and chasing this 'perfect' image which doesn't exist. I'm here to tell you that I am concrete evidence that there is no glamour in suffering. It wasn't a 'click' of 'I want to change' from one day to the next. It was a gradual process that involved me learning myself and becoming self-aware. I made a conscious decision to change and you have the choice too. If you're going through any of these feelings I encourage you to seek help. I encourage you to let go of these bottled up feelings and pursue happiness, not arbitrary numbers. ??

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