レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 3月9日 02時25分

Every single day is a total surrender. I'm so emotional. Crying more these days than I have for most of this pregnancy combined. Fears I didn't know I had are surfacing and I'm burning through so much. I was meditating on what blocks I may be carrying, anything that might be keeping this birth at bay, but I've been so stable and trusting that I couldn't think of any at all. Then @orothschild left and the floodgates opened and now everything is surfacing. Truth is... I'm absolutely fucking terrified. Not of the birth but I'm terrified that for some reason... It's hard to write because it hurts so much. But. Ok: I'm terrified that I won't get to keep her. That she's just an illusion, that she isn't real. That something bad is going to happen. That I'm going to love her so much and she'll be taken away and every fear I've ever had about my loved ones dying will be wrapped into one unbearable loss.
This time of the year is so related to death for me. Three years ago Andrea and I were talking about babies. She was ready but I wasn't. And then she died and she didn't get to have any and now I'm pregnant but I don't fully trust in life anymore. Or I do and I long for this baby so much but a part of me is keeping her at a distance because, what if? There are so many what ifs. What if she is born and then she gets sick or hurt? Or what if one day she drives into a truck on the highway and dies?
Deep down I know all is well. Everything is fine. I used to obsess about death so much but haven't in a long time so I thought I was done with it. But, turns out, I'm not. I think Baby L is making sure I'll be here to greet her with nothing standing in the way and she was waiting for Olivia to leave so I could get this vulnerable and feel. So much is making so much sense but it's so, so hard. Waiting for this baby and loving her this much already.
I have a feeling she is holding hands with @ahlaluna right now, just waiting for me to let go so they can drop down together and heal everything that's ever needed healing. I'm getting closer with every tear I shed. With every word I write.
Happy International Women's Day, everyone. Hug your sisters today. Today and every day. x

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