Andrew Knappのインスタグラム(andrewknapp) - 10月20日 01時06分

I bought a van, but let me explain.

I’ve spent my travelling years in vans that break down. The idea of getting something new didn’t align with my self-worth. Perpetually broken was how I viewed myself. New vans and fancy houses were things reserved for an elite few, to people who have “figured it out”. This year has provided a leap towards reevaluating self-worth, toward self-acceptance, to accept that I haven’t “figured it out” and that’s more than ok, that’s the way. To be honest, I feel a deep shame sharing that I bought a new van*. But these feelings, like doubt and fear, are deterrents – and I’m done with those.

Selfishness was another big deterrent. In believing that I’m not worth something, I’m also taking that away from anyone that’s in my life, present or future. So I’m gonna allow myself to build a life that is not only for me, that is bigger than myself.

Of course, my “perpetually broken” life brought me to a lot of places (VW repair shops included), and those have changed me. The path of self-doubt was lined with people who made it possible to recognize this and move forward from it. True forward motion doesn’t happen without recognizing the elements that created the momentum.

Finally, on the surface, this van is an investment. Buying a house or land isn’t in the books right now for me, especially with the prices in British Columbia, so this is a step towards that, a promise to my future self that I’m working towards something. A promise to people and dogs in my life that I’m building a safe place to grow and rest.

So here it is, my new home, and this is one of my projects for the winter.

*Actually, it’s the bank’s van, not without recognizing the privilege I have to be approved for this.

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