レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 3月3日 13時15分

I’ve had this pain right at the back of my heart for as long as I can remember. Something just snaps and I become paralyzed and can’t move. It’s been going on for years. Nothing helps and I’ve tried it all; yoga, physical therapy, acupuncture, acupressure, reiki, massage, chiro, osteopathy, traditional doctors, naprapaths, kinesiology, you name it I’ve done it. The worst part has been not being able to anticipate it or knowing what triggers the pain.
.
It happened today. I’ve been feeling so great but this morning I open my eyes and it’s happened IN MY SLEEP. In my sleep! My back is out. Can’t move. So I spend all day on the couch which drives me nuts. I snapped at Dennis for leaving his loose change on the table and we fight and it’s not until just now that I realize the reason I snapped is because I’m terrified Luna is going to choke on them - every day I pick up goddamn coins around the house. Fuck these fucking coins and everything else that she could put in her mouth that could get lodged in the back of her throat; dog food, rocks... Fuck. I snapped because I’m fearful. It’s not the damn coins, it’s the fear they represent and the fact that I have no control. I police everything and it’s exhausting. AND THEN IT HITS ME. I did so much work with @debrasilverman_astrology about my fear of death and then @the.small.folk lost their little Alby and I’ve been consumed by it. He choked on a rubber ball and died in his mother’s arms. 3 years old. I can’t stop thinking about him. And then I wake up and my heart has literally frozen - my back is out. And I think I finally get it. It’s fear. This pain. That’s what it is. It’s not my chaturanga that needs fixing. It’s not the pillow I sleep on at night. IT’S FEAR. It’s the common denominator. I’ve finally found it. Fear of death, fear is loss, fear of abandonment. I feel fearful but it’s too big for me to process so it gets stuck in my body. The fear of losing Lea Luna is so overwhelming that my body seizes up in my sleep. .
Everything is making total sense. I’m still in pain, but it makes sense now. It’s a relief and it’s terrifying. So I guess the question is... .
now what?
#beinghumanisfuckingexhausting

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