レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 3月22日 11時44分

This night took a turn and became so difficult I don't know what to do except write so here goes.
It's 3.30am where I am and I haven't slept at all. This day was fine and I was outside in the sunshine and the snow and had a long talk with my mom and spent time with my sisters and had dinner with the whole family and things were ok. But all of a sudden everyone is asleep and everything hits me all over again and it's like there is a giant heavy brick on top of my chest and the pain is so overwhelming I don't know what to do with myself. I light a candle and sit with your malas thinking I can breathe it all away but all I feel is panic because why am I sitting with your malas feeling panicky in the middle of the night when you are supposed to have them and everything is supposed to be alright?
There are these two long voice messages you sent me that I haven't listened to since you hit that truck on the other side of the road and all of our lives ended all at once. You sent me them after envision festival and I know they are beautiful and you're telling me how much you love me and miss me even though you just dropped me off at the airport that very same morning but I can't listen to them I just can't. But I wanted to hear you somehow so I listened to the response I sent you and my voice is so happy talking to you knowing that you actually listen and that I'm making you smile. My voice is different now. It's not the right tone no matter who I'm talking to or what I say. I want to go back to that moment when I sent you that message and I want to tell you on March 10 DONT GET IN THE CAR whatever you do promise me that you won't. And maybe then I could send you another voice message now and my voice wouldn't be shaky and strange but it would be normal and you would answer me right back.

But I can't tell you these things. And I can't change what's happened. I can only lie here in the dark trying to fall asleep looking at you dancing in this picture while I pray, remembering a time that will never come back

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