レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 3月15日 11時33分

I went in the ocean today. I sat on the last step of the stairs from the dock wearing a new bikini, band aids and plasters across my scarred belly, eyes swollen feeling like I haven't seen sunlight in months. It was a very absurd moment. Lying in a dark room this pain feels more natural, but exposed outside I feel so vulnerable and out of place. I saw the fish and the waves and the sun reflect on the blue water and for a moment I thought, this could actually all be ok some day. I jumped in. And then I cried. And I cried and I cried and I cried and I think it was the first time I ever cried without covering my face. Why do we do that? My whole life I've been hiding my tears. I've been crying under the covers here for days now but I thought, maybe I can cry with the ocean and the ocean will cry with me. And maybe I won't feel so alone.

Then I sat on the dock and I watched the sunset and I took a deep breath and I started writing. I wrote you until my hand cramped up and then I turned around to hug Dennis and there it was. The moon. It was so bright and almost full and absolutely beautiful and I told Den; look! There she is. And he held me so tight and for a second I thought once again, things might actually be ok some day. And then we went out to eat dinner like normal people that go outside sometimes do and we got to the restaurant and all of a sudden I felt like the entire world had shrunk and I just couldn't fit anymore. Why are we sitting here talking? What's the point? Someone asked if I was ok and I said yes when the answer is no no NO and I couldn't breathe anymore. I ran outside and realized that just because I can cry with the ocean doesn't mean I can cry with the world. And this is never going to be ok.

So now I'm back in this room where it's safe to fall apart and I hope that's alright.
I miss you right now, in a suffocating way. I called you twice and sent you a picture of Ringo to test the universe and see what would happen. Maybe you'll call me back. Probably not. I love you either way

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