Andrew Knappのインスタグラム(andrewknapp) - 2月21日 02時23分

I’ve been contemplating suffering and loss lately, reading and writing for myself to cope with it. Read on if you’d like.

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Momo struggles these days, but his good days still greatly outnumber his bad days. Cognitive Dysfunction is no joke. I remember I was in the hospital with a broken shoulder when my mom was beginning her cancer treatment a few floors away. My shoulder throbbed from surgery, I was uncomfortable, but my mom’s journey was much less knowable, and I knew that mine would heal and I was young and it would pass.

The memories of my mom’s last 10 years, her decline, and ultimate passing always find and challenge me. I’m always pressed to find the positives to outweigh negatives, but some situations seem to be exempt. Sure, we grow, and learn, but we’d all choose no suffering if the choice were ours.

A bright spot in my mom’s journey was my dad – who exhibited humble servitude for the partner he swore it to. There is no upside big enough to justify suffering, or loss. There’s no clever way to shuffle words and say we’re all better for it. Not for the sufferer, and not for a witness like my dad. It is simply, as he eloquently put it, a result of being in the path, and showing up.

Of course, my journey with my dog is different than my dad’s journey with my mom. But the rules of showing up are the same. Showing up as a function of expressing love through the grit of caretaking despite all else. That function living on beyond your loved one and stitching you together in the fabric of your life to ensure that the relationship never ends despite a loss of physical life.

Sometimes I like to think that time is an illusion, that I’m still visiting my parents, watching my mom cuddle Momo on the couch. She loved that dog as much as I do. In one way or another, I know that love still exists. (Second photo from May, 2012)

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