クレア・ホルトのインスタグラム(claireholt) - 10月4日 00時25分

As I looked on at my adorable little boy this weekend, dressed in his baby blazer and grinning ear to ear, I realized how much my heart and mind have shifted. After he was born, I questioned whether I was cut out to be a mother. I was riddled with anxiety. I had wanted this baby so desperately and yet he brought me to my knees. Every time I put him down to sleep, I was terrified he would suffocate. I lived in fear that I would drop him or fall down the stairs with him in my arms. I worried daily that I would starve him or not give him what he needed to grow. Sometimes I would sit in my car in the driveway and bawl at the thought of going back inside. I felt sick to my stomach as the sun set, knowing that I needed to wake up every few hours and attempt to feed him (another thing I was failing at). On top of all this, I felt immense guilt. I had plenty of support. My wonderful husband, family, and friends were always there to lighten the load. Yet, I felt crippled by an overwhelming sense of failure. I had no idea how to face the next day, week or month. I’m sharing all of this to say that if you don’t feel that earth-shattering connection right away, you are not alone. Many of us feel ashamed to open up if we don’t instantly feel the perfect bonds of motherhood at the moment of birth, but it’s so important to be honest if you are struggling. I want to thank all the incredible women who were vulnerable and open - like @ellielemons, who inspired me to share this with her own candid post. I look at my son now and am in absolute awe of him. He is my greatest joy. With lots of support and weekly therapy, I was able to address my feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. They resurface every now and then, but I’m quick to acknowledge them for what they are: fleeting thoughts. I can now honestly say that being James’ mother is the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me.... but I didn’t feel that way immediately. If you’re sad, overwhelmed, hopeless or afraid, I promise it gets better. Be open. Ask for help when you need it. And remember that you’re doing an amazing job. Keep trying ❤️

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