レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 4月21日 17時12分

I'm feeling sad and tired and inadequate today. I don't have an appropriate photo to go along with that emotion so I'm sharing one that makes me smile instead; walking through the streets of San Fran with those I love the most.
I am so overwhelmed with all the things life has thrown at me during this past year. It hit me today - Pepper died. I mean I know it happened and I live with it every day but for some reason driving the car to LA this morning it occurred to me like it was brand new information: I lost my baby. The memory of him gasping for air whacks me in the chest and I lose my own breath for a second. I lost my baby. That happened. I keep driving.
Later on this afternoon in the middle of a meeting I thought about something Andrea said and it hit me... She's dead. Dead. The image of her smiling at me in her new haircut flashes through my mind. That happened. I keep working.
After that, navigating to our house this evening, for a reason I can't comprehend I simply can no longer remember the last thing my grandmother said to me. I cherished her words for so long but now they're gone. And she's gone, too. That happened. Sadness fills my heart but I keep talking, not missing a beat.
Even though these are all things I already know... It's too much. It drains me. I've been on the road for so long now and it's hard. This life. I long for quiet nights in my own bed. I know that's a long ways away so I drink way too much wine instead and talk and cry and write and now I'm going to bed. Most of the time I don't know what it is I'm doing here. But I know this:

with death we have to keep forgetting so that we can stay afloat and keep our heads above water. But we have to keep remembering so that we can realize we've never really forgotten how to swim.

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