レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 12月14日 15時56分

Waking up in the middle of the night feeling panicked. Every time we come home from a trip I get sad. It's like I'm putting all of my grief and healing and pain on hold when I travel and when I come back home I have to pick it all back up. A part of me doesn't understand that Pepper died. I'll get the fragment of a memory in my head of him gasping for air and I lose my breath the way he did; suddenly, without warning. Except I don't die I start breathing again after a little while but the agony of his passing lingers in the space between my inhales and exhales and everything hurts so badly I can't sleep I can only look at pictures of him when he was a baby and try to remember the good but I don't.
I sometimes get so overwhelmed with the feeling that Pepper is lonely, that he is all alone and scared somewhere looking for us, that I have to stop myself from going outside in the middle of the night and lie belly down on his grave and bawl into the earth. I feel like he is out there. Not out there as in all around and in the stars and the clouds but out there as in wrapped in a sheet buried in our garden even though he was fine we were out running and he was so healthy and beautiful and my whole heart was in him but then he just died and I don't understand how or why and we didn't have a proper white sheet to bury him in and nothing was right everything was just so fucked up. And the night before I walked him and he couldn't see so we took just a few steps and the moon was full and I could see he was so scared so I turned to the moon and I yelled at Andrea that she has to fix this I'll only ever ask for one thing ever and it's that she helps him heal that she doesn't let him die. Somehow it felt like she had the power to do that but then he died and I have been so angry with her ever since but how can you be angry at someone who's dead for not saving your dog. We put the Christmas tree up and I kept thinking Pepper has to spend Christmas out there alone in the dark in his sheet.
We didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this. None of us deserve this and none of it is fair but sometimes all you can do is cry and write and cry and write and then go back to bed

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