レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 12月6日 19時27分

I dreamt about you.

We were driving in three different cars you me and Laura and I know you're driving the car behind mine but I don't dare to think about it too much because in the dream you're alive but I also know that you're dead and the moment we are in is so fragile it can disappear at an instant. I'm so scared but I see your face in the rearview mirror and you're smiling.

After a while I stop because we reach my house. I hold my breath walking in because I don't know if you're going to follow me or not but you do you do and I'm starting to believe that it's not a dream it's actually you and maybe if I hug you I'll know. But I don't. Everything is too fragile and I can't look you directly in the face so I walk into the other room with Dennis and he tells me that he misses me. That for the past months since Andrea died I've been so far away. And I think "what does he mean since Andrea died she is right outside that door with Laura in the living room" but I hug him anyway and suddenly hugging him becomes more important than going to sit with you to see if you're real. I hug my husband and we stay like that for the longest time and all of a sudden I realize that you're dead. You're standing outside and I can see you and your hair is short like it was in February and you're wearing the white top that I borrowed from you at the festival and you're smiling and you're dead. You're dead and suddenly we have to all get in our cars and drive again. Everyone leaves and you don't say goodbye and I'm alone and my brain gets fuzzy and I don't know if any of it actually happened. Laura comes back and I ask her "was it real? Was she really here?" And she says "Yes, she was, look" and then she shows me a Snapchat on her phone and it's you with your new haircut standing next to me and you're looking at me and you're smiling and we are so close but I don't look you in the eyes because I just can't.
And then I wake up or maybe I don't. And I get so angry at myself because I could have gone out to sit with you and look at your face but I didn't I hugged my husband instead. And I know that's not a bad thing and that I need to stay with the living.. But still. I miss you so.

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