レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 6月9日 07時28分

Life is so fucked up and beautiful. Today I miss you so much I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. It's physical. Missing you. It makes me want to go to the edge of a cliff and scream off the top of my lungs. I'm on an airplane, so I won't scream. But this is how much it hurts and it hits me out of nowhere and I have no choice but to feel.
Yesterday I was packing for Sweden and I had to choose between all of your things because I want to wear something of yours during the wedding ceremony. I couldn't choose and it was frustrating because WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS INDESCRIBABLE GUTTING HEART WRENCHING PAIN AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE CONNECTED TO MY WEDDING DAY?!? It's not fair. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR. Fair would be you braiding my hair on the big day like you promised. Fair would be having you up there next to me. Fair would be you alive alive alive and dancing until we're at least a hundred years old. 24 is not fair. A soul sister missing in your wedding party is not fair. Life is not fair and it makes me want to crawl out if my skin and scream until my voice gives up. But I'm on an airplane so I won't scream. I'll sit here, crying, waiting for the wave to pass. Because it will. This, too, shall pass and one day I will feel grateful because indescribable gutting heart wrenching pain means there was once indescribably beautiful heart opening love and not everyone in this world is blessed enough to experience that. So thank you, universe, for busting my life and my heart and my soul open so that I can marry my soulmate and feel feel feel it all. The love the pain and everything that makes us one. I'm here.

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