レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 5月12日 12時41分

It doesn't get easier. In the difficult moments I still have a hard time breathing and it's like I'm being pushed to the bottom of the ocean by a heavy wave and it crashes and crashes and crashes over me and barely let's me surface for just a little bit of air. But these moments have more space in between them now.
I wear your mala beads every single day. In the mornings I go to the part of my closet where all your clothes are hanging and I put my face in them and inhale you. How long until a smell disappears or gets replaced by another? I look at my tattoo every five minutes and I think of you constantly. You are in everything and you are everywhere. But it's not real, none of it. I keep waiting for you to come back from a trip. A big one, like Africa or London or Portugal. And you're having a really good time and changing the world as you go I can feel it it's almost normal except you're not writing me about it and we're not talking on the phone. I write you though m, a lot. And today for some reason I went into our last what's app conversation and I go to the last voice mail you sent me the one that is two because it's cut in half and one minute each. I've been saving these last words, the last time hearing your voice and knowing it will be new, I've been cherishing it and I thought maybe on my wedding day I will listen or maybe sitting by your ashes I will listen or maybe when it's been one year or one hundred years and I've finally realized what the purpose of you dying was then I'll listen. I keep looking for the purpose but I can't find it. And I was lying on the couch just now doing absolutely nothing not even thinking about you Dennis is snoring next to me and I thought ok time to go to bed but then instead I went into our conversation and I pressed play and suddenly there you are. "Machiiiiiiiitaaaaaaa" you say and you sound tired but happy and I drop my phone at the sound of your voice and I just collapse. I'm here. Loca. I'm here. Talk to me. How is your trip? Is it nice? Are you changing the world? Tell me. Tell me everything. I'm waiting.

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