レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 4月7日 09時27分

The sun has set. The day is over. The scars on my belly are fading, slowly. Every day I wake up feeling like a normal person, and it takes me a while to realize that I'm not. It's not until I've walked around for a while and stretched my limbs and focused my mind that I understand: this is a new type of living. My life will never, ever be the same. No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do. Things are different now.

Some days I can't get out of bed or stop crying or even breathe because of the pain. But some days I can walk around and go swimming even though it's cold and look for Brazilian desserts all day because that's what's in front of me. And I'm not judging one day as better than the next. It is what it is. Sometimes the pain feels better than anything else, because I feel closer to you. And still I'm wondering, have I really understood any of this at all? I don't think so. The idea of you being gone is so absurd, so insane, that I still can't fully grasp it. I honestly don't understand that this is what life is going to be from now on.
But I try to move forward. I'm doing things normal people do. Today we were on the beach and that was nice. I smiled a lot and made out with my fiancé on the beach because we are in Rio and everywhere here people are kissing. We ate sushi and I talked to my mom and it was almost, almost just a regular day. Except it's not. I'm in Brazil and I can't tell you about it. I'm getting married soon and you won't be there standing next to me. I don't know where you are and even when I'm surrounded by people I feel all alone. Even looking at the moon I wonder; is this it? Do you hear me? Do you realize that no matter how many times a day I look up to the moon I still don't know if you feel what this empty space you left is doing to all of us? I see you everywhere but also nowhere and I don't know how long I can live in this way. But I keep going. Maybe if I smile enough and kiss enough and swim enough one day this new life will feel normal and maybe then things will finally be ok.

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