レイチェル・ブレイセンさんのインスタグラム写真 - (レイチェル・ブレイセンInstagram)「Message from my cup❤️ Right now I feel worse than I have in days. As soon as one thing gets better, something else gets worse. I can breathe easier but suddenly my ears are blocked and I can’t hear. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m just... So sick. I go round and round in my head because there is a part of me that refuses to accept that I can’t do anything about how I’m feeling right now. If you know me, you know I never take no for an answer. There is nothing I cannot solve. For me, everything truly is figureoutable. And, honestly, I think a big reason why I feel wild levels of awful whenever I get sick is my absolute inability to let go. It’s so hard for me to accept that I can’t do anything about what’s happening. I can’t figure this Pneumonia out. That doesn’t stop me from trying though; I go round and round in my head about ways I can fix it. I have taken every vitamin. Every supplement. Every herb. Took all my antibiotics. Listening to the doctor. Did a 24-hour fast. Eating nourishing foods. Drinking all the juice. Resting. Adding on, cutting out, modifying, adjusting, fixing a million things that relate to my day. At the end of it all it’s just exhausting because feeling like it’s somehow up to me and not getting better means that every day I add a layer of failure on top of everything else. I know that this will pass eventually. I know that not everything is up to me. I know that this is out of my control. ...except all of the above statements are lies because deep down it feels like I’ll feel like this forever and deep down I actually believe that it is up to me and that everything IS within my control. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. It’s just pneumonia and it’s not going to kill me and there are worse things in the world and I’m so blessed in a gazillion ways but still, I just want to sit down and cry except crying makes this headache worse so I try not to. I don’t know why I’m writing this. Im just feeling really, really small. There is something scary wrapped up in all of this, too. Can’t quite pinpoint it. When I don’t function, what happens? When I’m not capable? When I can’t stay in control? I guess I’m about to find out.」2月25日 8時55分