レイチェル・ブレイセンのインスタグラム(yoga_girl) - 6月27日 07時35分

Baby bear❤️ Currently in recovery mode in his bed wearing his cone. Clean teeth and ball-less. It took me 4 years to work up the courage to neuter him. He was just a baby the year @ahlaluna died and I clung to him like a life raft in a storm. When the time came to get him fixed, the way we do all our animals, I developed this paralyzing fear that he would die on the operating table. It was a year of too much loss to bear and I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time the phone rang I ran through the options in my head; who died this time? Through all of it, Ringo was there, curled up on my lap, needing attention and walks and love and providing something for me to focus on. I couldn’t fall apart completely because Ringo was there and he needed me.
I made the vet appointment to get him neutered so many times but never followed through. I just couldn’t get the image out of my head - that something would go wrong with the anesthesia and I would come back to pick him up and he would be gone. It was completely irrational but that’s how fear works; it doesn’t make sense. It can be illogical and crazy and not always related to reality but in your bones... It feels like truth.
During our trip to Europe someone told me Ringo should really have his teeth cleaned and without thinking about it, I got him an appointment to do that and get fixed at the same time. So. Anesthesia. Cue overwhelming fear. Then... I came home. Didn’t cancel the appointment. Drove him to the vet this morning. Looked fear square in the eye and went ahead with it anyway. Pushed thoughts of death and grief away. Meditated. Had breakfast. Got acupuncture. Then, picked Ringo up. He’s alive. A little shaky. Sad about his cone (and maybe the loss of his testicles, not sure)? But we are okay.
I feel like I checked something major off the list today. Maybe it doesn’t sound like a big deal - they’re just balls, after all, but it feels like a win. Like progress.
Like maybe we’re all just going to be okay. #life .
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