ジ・オニオンのインスタグラム(theonion) - 3月4日 02時36分

Insisting to the nation that it’s totally fine in there and that they definitely don’t need any help, the country’s top experts from the other room reported Friday that 87 percent of loud crashing noises are nothing.

Speaking in muffled voices audible from the other side of the wall, the experts confirmed that nearly nine in 10 of these sounds—which included thuds, bangs, and a crash followed by a pause and then several smaller crashes in quick succession—honestly aren’t anything at all. “Not a thing to worry about,” the experts said almost instantaneously after a loud clatter suddenly rang out from the adjacent room. “It’s okay.” “Everything’s okay,” they added. #TheOnion

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