カリスマ・カーペンターのインスタグラム(charismacarpenter) - 5月10日 12時05分

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Grief. There are times when I wonder if this heavy grief is what it feels like to have a mental illness as it can be debilitating. This week I got hit with jet lag, a 24 hour flu bug, and of course the waves of I know what is coming. Mother's Day without him. The five year anniversary of his death. His 9th birthday. The day we had his funeral... all in the month of May. I woke up today still feeling like I had been hit by a ton of bricks and only had one task to do which was to drop off some soda to my boys' school for teacher appreciation day. It took me 3 hours today to talk myself into driving to their school to do so. My head felt foggy. I didn't feel in control of my thoughts. I questioned my sanity. Everything is making me cry. I keep telling myself it's because of this whacked out flu bug, but I know it's more than that. I drove to their school, dropped off the soda, and ran back to my house even though I needed to go to the grocery store. I didn't make it there. I'm having moments of I can't breathe. It's as if my whole body remembers what happened 5 years ago... How I was holding my son, rubbing his little legs endlessly, feeding him morphine around the clock, begging him not to leave me. I don't have days where I don't feel like I can't face the world very often, but when I do they cripple me and make me question everything. Why am I here? Why him and not me? Am I doing enough to make him proud? Can I survive this? Will it always hurt this much? Because it feels like as time goes on, the pain is getting worse, not better. I feel alone. I want to isolate myself from everybody. I want to go back to Iceland where the shiny happy sun isn't screaming in my face and taunting me. Today I will hide and hope that tomorrow is better for I know days like today are just a part of my life. This is grief. This is the forever part of me that will always miss my son. Thanks to my bereaved mamas for this thoughtful gift and card. I'm sorry you know my pain all too well. @stoig1 #ronan #fucancer #noah #cancerisanasshole #rockstarronan #grief #infernofuckwadbob

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